Control is an Illusion

March arrived like a lion. Rain and thunder and overcast skies.

Yet I am the lion this week. I drove for my daughter's field trip. Spent a day photographing the sweetest six month old girl. Researched the tech plan that I'm writing for school.

I expected to feel wiped out this morning. And yet I don't. Hurrah!

I do celebrate the happy surprises. And it's not all roses. I irritated the nerves in my foot so they are flaring up, burning. I've worn a brace on my right wrist most of the week (I have to keep this short). I had a melt-down or two. It wasn't easy...

I'll take it though. And when the skies clear I question everything. What am I doing right? Is it the vitamins? Is it the exercises and stretching? Am I getting more sleep? How do I keep the good-track going on track?

Ha. If only.

I saw a big conversation on FB this week about CMT and medication. Basically, the commenter was 'worried for everyone taking prescription meds...because a healthy lifestyle should be enough.'

I spoke to my CMT friends. The idea hit home because I have been on the path from not needing meds to occasional to (now) meds to maintain. It took so much struggle for me to admit that I needed help. Because I wanted control. [pullquote width="300" float="left"]I wanted to believe that good choices lead to good outcomes.[/pullquote]

After talking, I realized that I was happy for the commenter, that he or she hadn't found that place where the options look bleak. And you've tried everything. And nothing gets better...

Not a good place.

I've been there. And I learned. Control is an illusion.

Don't get me wrong. Our choices matter. We must be healthy. We must rest. We must take care of ourselves.

At the same time, we cannot feel responsible for every weakness and break-down. We cannot feel guilty about new challenges or old frustrations. We cannot control this journey.

It's scary. And real. And true for everyone no matter whether you are healthy, sick, or somewhere in-between.

All we can do is choose our reactions. We do the best we can.

...

True to form, after I wrote this, a migraine found me. I slept more than ten hours last night. I was reminded, strongly reminded, not to underestimate the challenges that of my daily life. My choices matter.

I try to be this pool of calm water. Not getting pulled into the rushing, crashing noise of the rapids. [pullquote width="300" float="left"]Hold my own peace.[/pullquote]

Which is a worthy goal regardless of personal stories. Carry our sense of calm and stillness.

Wishing us all smooth waters today :)

Or at least beautiful noise :)