Day 24

I had a CMT moment today (more than one, but this was a big one).  It's no one's fault, but it shows how CMT affects a lot more than hands and feet.  It affects our lives. So I went to the Draft Horse Classic with the kids, my mom, and my niece.  We visited stable after stable.  Over uneven ground.  And it was hot.  88 degrees and humid.

So I hit a wall.  I would sit on a shady bench while Mom took the kids to see a few more stables.  I got a curious feeling after a few minutes, thinking I should follow after them, but I shrugged it off.  I was taking care of myself.  See?  Not so hard.

Then the kids came running towards me.  "We rode horses! We rode on a minature horse and a giant horse!"

And I missed it.

It isn't that big of a deal.  I've seen them on horses before.  But, still, to be sidelined is not a happy feeling.  And I convince myself that I'm not missing very much.  Most of the time, I'm right.  And, really, I saw Anika ride the big horse a couple of years ago.  I spent most of the day enjoying the event.  But still that anger bubbles up.  It's so unfair; this being sick-forever lifestyle.  And I know life isn't fair.  Everyone has challenges.  And the turning-inward frustration leads nowhere except bitterness.  So I don't stay there for long.

But I think it's important to share the rough patches along with the sunshine-ideas.  If I made a glossy, always-happy story, that wouldn't be the true story.

I'm fine now.  I need a scooter.  Then I could see everything :).

I just need to let go of that silly pride that makes the scooter seem like another problem instead of a solution.  But then again, how would I transport and pay for a scooter?

Questions for another day.  For now, time to be with the kids.  That matters most in the long run :)