Dig Deep

Another park day. Another adventure day. Buying good stuff for my birthday on Wednesday. Birthday yay!

We had fun noodle-lunch with my mom. All good stuff. Great stuff.

Anika rode her bike under a rising silver moon. Beauty.

Yet. Yet under it was my undercurrents of hurting. Legs. Hip. Tomorrow's fatigue.

Along with stresses, like Ian had a nasty wipe-out on his bike so he didn't want to be anywhere near it. And Anika rode her bike into a post. She's fine. He's fine. The only one not fine, really, is me. Except 'not fine' is my 'fine' these days.

I am reminded how 'not fine' changes with a lasting challenge. This hip is going on four months of sore-angry aching. I don't have a fix. Activity doesn't change it. Rest doesn't change it (yet). I will probably need further interventions that I don't want to think about. As I tried to sleep past (or through) the pain, I reflected on the widening ripples of this journey.

When I saw the pale-gray on the x-ray, my first thoughts were about activities. More limitations. More careful choosing between this errand or that chore or a fun activity (or, most likely, none of the above). More on my overfull plate.

But the real challenges are not the first conclusions that we jump to with a new diagnosis. The real challenges lurk in the days and months after the diagnosis. For example, sleeping. The orthopedic specialist told me not to sleep on the injured side. "Sure, no big deal." Um, wrong. Big deal. I want to sleep how I want to sleep. And I fight the ache as long as possible. Because I want my old sleep back. And I have to get so tired to sleep. I never thought of that consequence.

And hard chairs. Sitting can be worse than standing these days. Uncomfortable chairs can overshadow whatever else is going on around me. Bummer.

And road trips. I love road trips. Except, see above notes about hard chairs. Car seats are okay, but the hours after arriving are punishing. Ouch. Which makes one of my favorite things- driving and exploring and adventures- also one of my difficult things.

Ack. Argh. Grrrr. I could go dark. Angry. This is what triggers depression. I learn that strength, true strength, is a deep well inside. I call upon that strength a hundred times in a day. And I am not depressed. I am not sad. I step up. As we must, because I will not give up sunshine when the darkness calls my name. I love laughing. I love my family. I love life. Flaws, aches, and all.

Now let's see if I'm tired enough to sleep tonight :)

P.S. Sorry, I didn't mean to be cryptic, I just forget that my old news can still be new-news outside my world :). The x-ray showed denser areas (light gray) that means arthritis. In turn, the arthritis is aggravating the hip, causing bursitis. So far, I have not been a good patient. I have not rested, um, at all. This month I will try to rest. Seriously :)