Living with CMT, Day 13,791
51.3° A rough day. The rough days are when I unconsciously hold a should in my thoughts. And, usually, my should becomes frustration, anger, and sadness. Because I should be able to get this, that, and the other thing done. And I should have more energy. And I should feel better midway through spring break. After all, it's vacation- I should feel golden.
Nevermind that Ian didn't sleep well and kept kicking and pinching me all night, or that we didn't have help cleaning this week, or that the weather keeps swinging between promising sun and sudden cold . . .
Nevermind all that. Oh, and I'm contending with allergies, or the sinus thing just won't go away, because I have persistent headaches and sniffles. When I write it all this way, no wonder I feel surly and fatigued. All about perception :)
Still, that should thing covers the sky sometimes. And I may believe that I should because I could last week, or I see other people accomplish something all of the time, or just because . . .
I should.
Silly as it sounds. It's hard to let go.
I used to move from should right to anger, betrayal. How could my body do this to me? How could it let me down in such a major way? I would feel like punishing myself, really, maybe more activity to prove that I had more control than my body. I was the boss.
Then I got to thinking. I have an error in my genetic coding. A computer with a typo in programming crashes and burns. And yet, my body manages a great many things. My body works so hard to keep up with me. It is trying it's very best to be healthy with this crucial mistake.
If I treat myself with kindness, with care, with a dialogue that asks what I can do to help myself feel better . . . what a gift. So if I spend a few hours chilling, then I have the energy to do a thing or two. If I eat well, if I keep myself creatively engaged, if I live well, then I can help myself. The punishment, the battle, becomes self-care. And that's a lovely way to get through a day.
So deep breathing. Tomorrow I go for my first appointment to get AFOs (Ankle Foot Orthotic braces). Then I'm taking the kids to the zoo. Because it's spring break. And we need an adventure. I'll sit and watch them in the play areas :). I might slow down. But I don't know how to stop :)
