Living with CMT, Day 13797
40.5° One of my struggles is when the fatigue feels undeserved. Like today. I mean, I guess cleaning Anika's room yesterday and changing half the water in her fish tank and folding three loads of laundry and chasing Ian around the house because it's still too cold to get outside . . . I guess that contributes to a crash/fallout today. But still, all day? The fog just didn't let up, like wading through water. I even rested while Ian napped. Which helped a little. But that heaviness clung to my bones. And now I'm too wired by everything I didn't get finished, the photos I need to order for school, and for Lala (Gio's mom), the birthday project for Anika, the birthday invitations (dang) and the emails I meant to write back . . .
Some days I feel I don't have enough to give, not enough room for the downtime to meet the seemingly endless demands of this ever-changing lifestyle. I just get tired. Tired of having to manage every single decision. I would like to think of work tomorrow, of prepping for Portfolio Night, of Homework Club with the girls, of the Staff Meeting, without trying to mitigate it all with a nothing-evening. I would like to live easier.
But that is an illusion too. There is no life lived easy. Not really. And my intentions here and now mean that I am paying attention. I will not look up at my teen-age children and wonder where I was for their childhood. I am here now. And it isn't easy. But it isn't impossible either.
I'm just mad because yesterday, in my mental mind, should not have hurt. Even though I knew midway through the afternoon I was asking too much. I ignored the signs. And I'm paying today.
I keep forgetting that I have a wild toddler, too. I have a lot going on. I need to stop making my ordinary days small. They are quite an undertaking even with bright sunshine, good health, and all-night sleeping (all of which are in short supply lately). Take some breaths. Rest. And stop trying to control every little thing. :)
Yeah, right :)
